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Jun 3, 2004
oh well.

*sigh*

I just can't seem to fathom the mysteries of the world anymore. I just can't get it. I try so hard.. So hard just to make things right in my life.. But nothing ever seems to come out of it. In the end, I find myself right back where I started. Empty as before.

Screw it. Just screw it all. Let's just get this thing called LIFE over and done with, shall we?

Posted at 11:10 am by imbisibol
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Apr 23, 2004
listen!

Why doesn't anybody ever seem to listen to me?

I've had this curse for as long as I can remember. In highschool, I was trying to talk my then-girlfriend into going into Univ of ****. (She wanted to go to A***** instead.) It made perfect sense - she got the fabled O*** scholarship (granted to only 50 students, if I remember correctly), she landed one of the best business courses the university could offer, and last, but definitely not the least, we could have been in the same campus. Together. But noooooo... Some last-minute (and I really mean last minute - she was in the car, on her way to the university to confirm) inner demons had to pop up and make her change her mind. Just like that. Practically a whole month of talking to her about how wonderful her life could be in that university went kaput. Sure enough, we had to call the whole thing off after a few months with that arrangement.

Don't get me wrong, though, I'm not exactly blaming that decision as the reason for our breaking up, but hey, it WAS a factor nevertheless. Growing up in completely different environments (you couldn't possibly imagine) factors in a lot, especially in your development as people of the world. Adolescents at that age are still way immature, no matter how mature you regarded yourself back then. They still need to grow. We still needed to grow. Things would've been different if we had been allowed to grow together. That's also easily compounded by the factor of the PEOPLE around you. Different campus, different people. You could never mix with "her people," in much the same way as she could never mesh with "your people."

It's been years since I last heard from her. But from what other people have told me, she did well enough in A***** to graduate from the extremely difficult course she was in and land herself a decent job at a multinational right after. Could she have done the same in my university? I think so. Perhaps even better. But does anybody ever listen?

Whatever.

Anyway, moving on... I just had a run-in with basically the same issue a few weeks back. This time, it was my sister. Same schools. Same decision. I asked her earlier what she truly wanted to be when she grows up. Law, she said. Excellent choice. It is, for a fact, widely known that Univ of **** has the best law school in the country, by far. All the great statesmen (and women) of the nation were products of this great university. And A*****'s law school, in stark contrast, is notorious for "leaking out" answers (YEARLY!) to certain portions of the country's dreaded bar exams. (They were finally caught last year.) I mean, c'mon. How difficult a decision could that possibly be?

Why did she ultimately decide (last Monday) to go to A***** instead? One word: boyfriend. (No matter how she tries to deny it, and no matter how many other reasons she tries to give me, I just KNOW that this is the reason behind it all.) I know, I know... She's probably thinking the same thing her brother did way back when. (See paragraph 3) But what in the world is THAT compared to your whole life ahead of you? And we all know that in this day and age, relationships formed that early on in life almost never work out in the end. Is she hanging on to that "almost" loophole in the "almost never" clause? Gimme a break. But what the hell, does anybody ever listen to me?

Whatever.

The same thing happened with my other girlfriend. (Yup, the one that came after the one I mentioned earlier.) For weeks, a certain political party in our college was hounding her like nothing, desperately pleading for her to join their ranks and represent our department. And for weeks, I tried talking her out of it. Bad career move, I said. Not only would it take the life out of her, it would also jeopardize her chances of becoming president of one of our organizations, a dream she had way before those bloodhounds came after her. True enough, everything I said came true. She started missing out on classes, and she started missing out on our organization. Her life was eaten away by politics. (Something which I abhor with a passion here in our country.)

I remember the night before the deadline of her confirmation. It was reliving a nightmare. I couldn't sleep. I made one final desperate salvo: I wrote her a letter, outlining all the arguments that I had made throughout those weeks, giving her the consequences that were bound to follow. I drove off into the country to have some peace of mind. I eventually stopped at a gas station and had a couple hours of sleep and drove back to the city to drop off my letter before she went to class. All in vain. No one listens to me, remember? (God, I looked like shit that day.)

But nevertheless, I went all out in support of her. I was the de facto campaign manager, to be honest. I mean, hey, what are boyfriends for, right? Sure enough, she got the position and did the job well. At a price. Things sort of changed since then. Our worlds were no longer confined to us and us alone. (Well, her world, at least.) There was a whole multitude to share it with now. Things just didn't seem to fit anymore. And I guess I'm just not built that way. I get lost in crowds. I drown in them. I'm the kind of person who'd rather retire raising goats and chickens than play bingo with the "folks" or whatever on weekends. I love the quiet simple life. It's not too much to ask, is it?

It's not that I'm blaming her for anything. People really are faced with decisions like that. Just leave me out of it. If it's not my thing, then it ain't. That's MY decision to make.



And now... Oh, just fuck it. No one's ever listened, and no one will ever listen. That's another thing I just have to live with. Swallowed up, straight, no chaser. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. I mean, so what if the people I care about most screw their lives up, or some aspect of it? WHAT THE FUCK DO I CARE?!

And that... That's the big irony of my life. Despite the many, MANY times that I've been burnt by people not listening to me... People that happen to be close to my heart..

I still care.

No matter how many times I tell myself to just leave them be and let them learn the hard way.. Even if you KNOW, almost for a fact, that they could and should do something about it.. I still care. Pretty damn, ironic, isn't it? Even *I* can't seem to listen to myself. heh.

So to YOU, no matter how many times you choose not to listen... I still care. You mean the world to me.

Posted at 06:14 pm by imbisibol
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